Now I Get It.

It only took having a baby to understand my mother's neurosis.

Now I get why, even now at 25 years old, she still has me call after I get home to let her know I'm safe. Now I get why she would get so upset when I did something to put myself in danger. Now I get why she wouldn't let me drive late at night or go to Mexico with Summer's family... these are all things I hope Kate will understand, too, when she has a daughter. She is the most precious thing in my life... now I get it.

While I was feeding her last night, her tiny hand found the edge of my tank top and her little fingers hooked right on, and she held on so tightly, as if I'd leave her if she let go. She eventually stopped eating, and fell into a deep sleep with her right hand curled under her chin and her left hand still holding mommy down.

I scooped her up, swaddled her back up and rocked her as I walked over to lay her back down to sleep. For whatever reason, every motherly cell in my body cried, "Stop! Don't put her down! She is growing so fast- watch her every minute, or else she will grow and you'll miss it!"

Honestly, I don't know where the last seven weeks have gone. That sounds like such an old person thing to say, but truly. I look at the pictures from the hospital and I am shocked at how big she is now. It feels like so long ago I laid in the hospital bed and the doctor put this little, pink, squirming 7 pound girl on my belly... now she is 12 pounds, bright-eyed and the smiliest little thing. She is stronger than I thought any 7-week old could be and wants to stand already... she pushes with her legs and stops fussing the minute you hold her up to 'stand'. She can't walk too soon- she just can't- because I can't bear the thought of my tiny baby girl walking away from me! DON'T GROW UP TOO FAST, KATIE-BABY! YOU HEAR ME?!

So now I get it. I finally get the look in my mom's eyes as I came down the aisle on my wedding day. Her little girl had learned to walk and was walking away from her. It all makes perfect sense now.

But for now, she is in her swing... she can't crawl, she can't walk, she can't run... she can just grab on to me with her tiny fingers and keep me close for now!